Lost: The Quiz Show!
by Skylimit
Summary: Title tells all! Islanders compete for the baby...in a coconut! Please review!
1. The Game Show Begins!

ï»¿ Disclaimer: I don't own Lost.  
Other note: My humour is...wierd.

(It is the beginning of a new day on the lost island. We go over to Claire, who is searching for something. She is very worried, and shakes Charlie.)  
Charlie: muh...cheese...grapefruit...PIE?...get away, you...  
Claire: CHARLIE! I CAN'T FIND AARON!  
Charlie: Wha?  
Claire: I went to the cot and he wasn't there! Help me find him!  
Charlie: (Shifts uncomfortably) Oh, yeah...about that...   
Claire: You know where Aaron is? TELL ME!  
Charlie: Okay, he's...(looks around and picks up a coconut)...in that coconut.   
Claire: WHAT? WHY DID YOU PUT HIM IN A COCONUT?

Flashback

Sawyer: Hey, Charlie. (Looks at baby) Whew, boy does that thing have a big head. Bet you some sunscreen you can't fit that in a coconut!  
Charlie: Done!

End Flashback

Claire: YOU PUT MY BABY IN A COCONUT FOR SOME SUNSCREEN?   
Charlie: And a monkey. Look! Come here Charlie Jr.! (Rousseau walks out)  
Claire: Charlie, that's the French Woman!  
Rousseau: No! I am Charlie Jr.! Look! (Starts doing a strange dance)  
Claire: Charlie! Get my baby out of that coconut!  
Charlie: Actually, Claire...I can't really do that.  
Claire: Why not? (Glares at Charlie)  
Charlie: I'm not saying.  
Claire: IT'S MY BABY!   
Charlie: Correct! You can now enter the gameshow!  
(Charlie suddenly gets a tuxedo. Giant room falls onto the beach. Charlie and Claire walk up to it, and inside are five contestant boxes, four of which are filled by Jack, Sawyer, Rousseau and Shannon. Claire goes up to the final box.)  
Claire: How come you're all here?  
Jack: He stole my baby! (Strokes some aspirin pills.)  
Shannon: He stole my baby! (Strokes credit card.)  
Rousseau: I'm his monkey! (Does strange dance again.)  
Sawyer: Hell, I'm just here to win me a coconut baby!  
Charlie: Yeah, about that...the coconut thing isn't working, so you, the contestants get to choose whether or not to place the baby in a pineapple, a snake or Locke! (There is a puff of smoke, out of which come a pineapple, snake and Locke, who is eating an orange.)  
Claire: Put him in the Pineapple!  
Sawyer: Nah, put him in the explorer!  
Claire: It's my baby!  
Charlie: You've used up your baby card! Now you can no longer interfere with the show! Now onto the first task! You will be split into three groups! Jack and Rousseau will go together, Sawyer and Shannon go together, and me and Claire will be on another team! The objective is to find the most interesting thing on the island and bring it back here! Let round one begin!

A few hours later...

Jack: I can't believe I'm stuck with you, heal people.  
(Rousseau is still dancing. They reach a hut.)  
Rousseau: Ahh, this is where Percival lives!  
Jack: Percival? (Jack looks at the house.) Umm, Rousseau, the house is on fire.  
Rousseau: Oh don't worry, he's outside of the house already! (She waves, but no one is there.)   
Jack: There's no one there. (Looks around, and sees interesting thing (OOHHHH!) on the edge of a cliff. Jack runs up to it, but slips and falls. He clings on to the edge.)  
Jack: Help me!  
Rousseau: Grab Percival's hand!  
Jack: He doesn't exist!  
Rousseau: You have to believe in him!  
(Jack grabs his hand, but Percival DOESN'T EXIST, so he falls.)  
Rousseau: Percival! Why didn't you save him? Oh, right, you don't like him.

Wahooo! Please review!


	2. He he, I'm Healed

Hi everyone! Thanks so much for all of the reviews! I couldn't write the next part up quickly because I was out for two days and two nights in the wilderness (school thing). Let the next part begin! Oh, and I don't own Lost. Also, once again...my humour is strange.

(Back at the quiz show...)  
Charlie: Well, Jack died, so technically he's disqualified! Moving along, your next task is to find out a secret about one of the islanders! No teams this time, so away you go!

(Let's follow Shannon first, shall we?)

Shannon: Why are you following me, Sawyer?  
Sawyer: You're pretty weird, and I wanna win me that coconut baby!  
Shannon: Why do you want a baby so much?  
Sawyer: You know...for...someone to...(sad music)...someone to love.  
Shannon: WHAT THE HELL? THIS ISN'T PART OF THE SCRIP...I mean, you're supposed to be all tough!   
Sawyer: I can't help it, I just have to say...  
Shannon: Shut up!  
Sawyer: Make me!  
Shannon: Okay, I'll make you!  
Sawyer: How?  
Shannon: I'll...STEAL YOUR SUN TAN LOTION!  
Sawyer: NOOOOO! I NEED THAT TO LIVE!  
Shannon: Hahahahahah! Now what're you going to do, Sawyer?  
Sawyer: I'll steal your inhaler!   
Shannon: NOOOOO! I NEED THAT TO LIVE!  
(Suddenly, Locke walks by!)  
Locke: I can walk, he he.  
Shannon:...  
Sawyer:...

(Back at the game show station...)  
Charlie: Guys, where are we? (No one is there. Suddenly, LOUD NOISES! More specifically, another plane crash! Right on the game show station! What are the chances?)  
Charlie: (Is unaware of the crash) Guys, where are we?  
: Hi, I'm Billy. Where am I?  
Charlie: DON'T SAY THAT! ONLY I MAY ASK THAT QUESTION! Guys, where are we?  
Billy: I think we're...  
Charlie: It was a rhetorical question, you idiot!   
Billy: Oh.  
Charlie: Guys, where are we?  
Billy:...   
Charlie: GUYS, WHERE ARE WE?  
Billy: You said it was a rhetorical question!  
Charlie: I know. (Looks around.) Did anyone else crash here with you?  
Billy: Oh yeah, a guy called...James (evil grin. We see a guy step out...the guy who told Claire's fortune!)  
James: Do you have vanilla ice cream?  
Charlie: Dude, it's an island.  
James: Great danger will befall you if the ice cream is not eaten by me! GREAT DANGER!  
Charlie: Well, I can get you a coconut flavour...  
James: It can't be any other!   
Charlie: Oh, god. (Suddenly, there is a crash in the jungle! Could it be a strange thing? PROBABLY! So everyone runs into the forest. Even Jack, who's supposed to be dead! How did he come back to life? The island!)

So, on to the jungle...

Billy: OH MY GOD! That guy's cutting out his kidneys!  
Charlie: Yeah, Locke's pretty weird.  
Billy: Why are you doing that?   
Locke: The island will heal me! (As if by magic, his kidneys are restored!)  
Charlie: Guys, where are we?  
Billie: Stop saying that! It's really annoying!  
Charlie: Fine! Let's play hide and seek!  
Sawyer: Oh, god...  
Charlie: It's for the coconut baby!   
Sawyer: Alright then, I'm in!  
Charlie: One sugar plum fairy, two sugar plum fairies...  
Sawyer: That's it! (Smacks Charlie with the inhaler)  
Billy: Yeah, yeah. Let's go to the hatch or something...  
Shannon: Hatch?  
Billy: Are we not even that far into the show? Wow, this is slow!  
Sawyer: Who are you?  
Billy: Umm...LOOK-ANOTHER-PLANE-CRASH! (Runs away)  
Charlie: Oohhh...hey guys...  
Sawyer: Don't say it...  
Charlie: Where...  
Shannon: Don't do it!  
Charlie: Are we?  
Shannon and Sawyer: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
(Locke walks by) He he. I'm healed.

Who is Billy? Why is Sawyer so obsessed with the coconut baby? Those questions will be answered...soon! Please review!


	3. Kidneys! Ewwww!

Wahoo! Part 3! Thanks for all the support so far! Now...on to the fic!

After the excitement of Locke cutting out his kidneys, the game show resumes! But before that...

Flashback

Charlie: Guys, where are we?  
Ominous Voice: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!  
Shannon: Did you guys here someone say mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?  
Sayid: Maybe we are on an edible substance?  
Charlie: Like a donut?  
Boone: Or a pineapple?   
Jack: Or a mango?  
Sawyer: How the hell did you get here?   
Jack: I have rocket boosters! (Silence, in which Sawyer hits him over the head with an inhaler, killing him.)  
Boone: Sawyer! You killed him!  
Sawyer: Yeah, but he's just gonna come back to life...  
(Sure enough, Jack is reborn!)  
Jack: Maybe we're on a donut? (Sawyer hits him over the head.)

End flashback

Shannon: STOP FOLLOWING ME!  
Sawyer: Just do something weird and then I can go! (During this, the MONSTER is behind them. For the purposes of this fic, the monster is...A GIANT KITTEN!)  
Shannon: It's the monster!  
Sawyer: Nah, it's just a kitten.  
Shannon: Really?  
Sawyer: Nope.  
Shannon:...  
Sawyer:...   
Shannon:...  
Sawyer:...So, are we on a donut or what?   
Shannon: DON'T JUST STAND THERE! KILL IT!  
Sawyer: Alright, I'll kill it with...YOUR INHALER! (Hits kitten with inhaler. Kitten blinks cutely.) Well, that's pretty weird, I'll go back now.

What's Rousseau doing? Well...

Sayid: Ah, the masterpiece that is my time machine! Good work Rousseau!  
Rousseau: Can you untie me now?  
Sayid: NO!

And Claire?

Claire: There's gotta be something weird here so I can win back my baby...(Suddenly...MORE LOUD NOISES! ANOTHER PLANE CRASH! Hey, how else would I bring in more extras to be eaten by the monster? Anyhoo, a monkey steps out.)  
Claire: Well, that's weird! Time to go back!   
Monkey: (I shall rule this island! Muhahahahahahahahah!)

Back at the game show...

Charlie: Seeing as Rousseau is an integral part of a time machine just now, she is disqualified! Next round is to guess what I had for breakfast!  
Claire: Don't you think this is getting a little bit stupid?  
Sawyer: Shut up! Tomatoes!  
Charlie: Claire's right! This needs a bit more excitement...I've got it! Each of you must capture an islander, and trap them in a giant coconut. Don't worry about the coconuts, they're provided for you!  
Claire: What about the islanders? Wont they suffocate?  
Charlie: The island will revive them! Now go!

Deep in the jungle...

Shannon: (Hmm...Locke should be here...)  
(Shannon goes into an opening, and sees a trail of kidneys. Just then Jin comes in in a gollum-esque pose.)  
Jin: Hajigodaba! Precious...KIDNEYS!   
Shannon:...That's just wrong. (Starts to follow the trail of kidneys until she gets to Locke.)  
Shannon: Hi Locke.  
Locke: You know, cheese is a very unusual thing...  
Shannon: O...k...listen Locke...  
Locke: The island will give you what you want!  
Shannon:...Yea...anyway, the um...ISLAND...told me that you were to follow me.  
Locke: I cannot question the island!  
Shannon: (Too easy...)

Elsewhere...

Sawyer: Here, Jack...  
(Jack is hyper! He runs around the trees.)  
Jack: HealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHeal...   
Sawyer: There's someone injured at the game show place.  
Jack: (Perks up) HealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHealHeal... (runs off)  
Sawyer: Too easy... (Suddenly ETHAN jumps out and kidnaps Jack! Bet you weren't expecting that! He stabs Sawyer!) Oww! You stabbed me!  
Ethan: No I didn't.  
Sawyer: Yes you did, I saw you!  
Ethan: If you do not deny it, I will kill one of them!   
Sawyer: One of who? OWW! You stabbed me again! (Locke runs up to him.)  
Locke: The island will heal you. Have faith.  
Sawyer: What'll it do? Make fairies appear?  
Locke: Yes. (Fairies appear.)   
Sawyer: Cool! (Shannon comes in and drags Locke off.)  
Shannon: That's the fifth time you've run off to give advice to people! STOP IT!  
Ethan: If you do not give me Claire, one of you will die!   
Sawyer: What you gonna trade me for it?  
Ethan: What?  
Sawyer: What'll you trade for your beard?  
Ethan: I don't have a beard? Anyway, you're in no position to bargain!  
Sawyer: Yes I am!   
Ethan: How?  
Sawyer: I have your legs!  
Ethan: How did you do that?  
Sawyer: Inhaler.  
Ethan: You cut off my legs with an inhaler?  
Sawyer: And a gummi bear!

And what's Claire doing?

James (AKA Fortune telling guy from Claire's first flashback): GREAT DANGER!  
Claire: Yeah, yeah, just keep moving.

At the game show...

Charlie: Well, Shannon is disqualified as Locke kept running away. (Locke is STILL cutting out his kidneys)  
Charlie: Stop that! It's disgusting!  
Jack: (Sobbing) I'm useless...the island is healing everyone...  
Charlie: Don't worry, just count to ten and you'll be fine! One sugar plum fairy, two sugar plum fairies...(Hurley enters)   
Hurley: 4 8 15 16...  
Charlie: I'm the counting guy! Stop stealing my thunder! (Punches Hurley. Jack perks up.)  
Jack: I'll heal you!  
Locke: The island will heal you more!  
Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Will Jack ever heal someone? Will the monkey dominate the island? Answers soon...Please review!


	4. The Final Task?

Hello! Sorry for the long gap, but a reviewer raised a point that I could not ignore. Kate! So, without further ado...

Oh, and I don't own lost...

(Kate is in the middle of a clearing. She is moving her aeroplane model around.)  
Kate: AHHH! Mayday! Mayday! Ahh systems are down! Eaaaaaarrrrrggghhh! Boom! Aahahahahahahahahaha! Ahhhhh we're all gonna die! The monster! Roooooar! Ahhhhhh! Munch munch munch! Mmmmm, that was delicious. (Bill walks into the clearing.)  
Bill: Have you been doing that this whole time?  
Kate: Maybe. (Focuses on the plane.) Mmmm! Bill looks tasty! Munch munch munch!  
Bill: Okkkayyy...

Back at the quiz show...

Charlie: It's the final round! Sawyer versus Claire for the baby! The final round will be...(suddenly the monkey from that plane crash appears! With a giant translator helmet on his head! Oooh, shiny!)   
Monkey: Greetings, delicious flesh covered beings! I will rule you now!  
Sawyer: What if we refuse? (Monkey snaps his fingers. Many other monkeys in tuxedos appear from the trees!)

A few hours later...

Kate: I can't believe I come back from the clearing just to be ruled by a monkey!  
Sayid: Don't worry. My time machine can fix everything!  
Kate: How? It's Rousseau strapped to a tree!  
Sayid: Not quite...(Rousseau is running on a large hamster wheel.)   
Rousseau: Come on, Percival! Pick up the pace! (Michael enters.)   
Michael: Hey! what's going on?  
Kate: We're being ruled by a monkey.  
Michael: Ah well. As long as Walt's okay...(others appear and STEAL Walt! Perfect timing!) They took my son.  
Sayid: We'll find him, don't worry.  
Michael: They took my son.  
Kate: We know. We saw it.  
Michael: They took my son.  
Sayid:...hey Michael, want a banana?  
Michael: They took my son. (Sayid stuffs the banana into Michael's mouth.)  
Michael: (Between bites) They...took...my...son!  
Sawyer: That's it! I can't take being ruled by a monkey anymore! (Hits monkey over the head with an inhaler. It dies.) Wow, that was easy.  
Kate:...that was Jack.   
Sawyer: Ah hell! (Jack gets up. Sawyer hits him again. Then Sawyer hits the REAL monkey, and thus the islanders are free! What a short tyrannical reign! Yay!)

In the middle of the forest...

James (Fortune Telling guy from Claire episode): Ah, my precious baby...(strokes ice cream.)  
Rousseau: May I hold your baby?   
James: That's MY ice cream.  
Rousseau: You don't want me to hold it!  
James: It's mine. It can't be any other!  
Rousseau: Please?  
James: It can't be any other. Great danger...HEY! MY BABY!  
Rousseau: Hah! Now I can get my baby!  
James: Great Danger! Danger! High Voltage!  
Rousseau: What?  
James: Umm...nothing...GIVE ME MY BABY! NOOOOOO!

Back to the game show!

Charlie: Well, during the time when we were ruled by the monkey gave me an idea for the final task! Look at Sayid! (Everyone looks at Sayid.)  
Sayid: Walt? What are you doing? Why is that tree talking to me?...What? Eat Locke?  
Charlie: Your final task is to follow him and make it seem like you can see everything he sees! First person to be found out loses! (Claire and Sawyer approach Sayid.)   
Sayid: Okay, we need to (in the tune of follow the yellow brick road from Wizard of Oz) Follow the long greyish pipe, follow the long greyish pipe, follow follow follow follow follow the long greyish pipe!  
Claire: You have got to be kidding me...  
Sawyer: Must...win...BABY!

A little later...

Sayid: Let's climb that tree!  
Claire: We'll need a rope for that...  
Sayid: (In the tune of if I only had a brain from wizard of Oz) I could sing with all the birdies, and dance with all the palm trees if I only had a rope...  
Sawyer: Sayid, what...  
Sayid: We must find the Wizard! (James pops up.)  
James: It can't be any other!  
Sayid, Claire and Sawyer:...  
James: Too much?

Later still...

Sayid: Hey look! It's a nice witch!  
Sawyer: Sayid, that's a polar bear!  
Sayid: Don't be scared, it's a good witch! (Polar bear starts scratching Sayid.) Ow! The witch isn't being nice! I don't like it here!  
Claire: Then run!  
Sayid: No, no! I'll just tap my shoes. There's no place like home, no place like home...(It starts to rain.)  
Sayid: I'm melting! (Collapses.)   
Sawyer: Well, I guess we'll never know who won.  
Sayid: Claire wins.  
Sawyer: DAMMIT! (Breaks down.) I only wanted a baby...(Claire looks around and picks up a coconut)  
Claire: I know this isn't quite the same, but here. (Hands the coconut to Sawyer.)  
Sawyer: I'm so happy! (Hugs coconut.)  
Claire: Okay...

Back at the game show station...

Claire: Get my baby out of that Pineapple!  
Charlie: Okay, I'll need a Food processor, a carving knife and a blender.  
Claire: YOU CAN'T PUT MY BABY IN A BLENDER!  
Charlie:Well of course not Claire. But come on, let me at least make some lunch first!

Ah, the end is near...if there's any stuff in the fic you want answered, write in your review what you want me to put in the next part and I'll do my best. If not please review anyway!


	5. Loose Ends

The last part...I'M SO EMOTIONAL! I don't own Lost...

(Charlie is attempting to open up the baby. Sawyer walks by, with his coconut in a pretty dress.)  
Charlie: (High pitched voice) Lost on an island...far from home...  
Sawyer: Stop singing. Your upsetting Koki!  
Charlie: Koki?  
Sawyer: Hey, it's my baby!  
Charlie:..anyway...I wont stop singing! Turniphead likes it!  
Sawyer: Hey, my voice was the thing that shut the baby up!  
Charlie: Fine! Next time he cries, I'll make him stop!  
Sawyer: Get ready to lose, dough boy!  
(Charlie makes the baby cry)  
Charlie: Lost on an island, far from home! (Baby is still crying.)  
Sawyer: Hah! My turn! The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain! (Baby is still crying) My voice! It lost its magical powers! I don't know what to do!  
Charlie: Me neither! (Hurley walks by.)  
Hurley: I feel good...na na na na na na na...(silence.)

Let's see where Hurley's going!

Hurley: Hey guys, anyone want a game of golf?  
A group of surviours: Sure, yeah. (Hurley starts walking closer.)  
Hurley: Ok, this can be a new...guys? guys? Are you ok? What are you doing? (everyoone collapses on the ground)  
Hurley: Arrrrgh, what's happening? its the numbers! They bring bad luck to everyone around me! helllllp!  
(Hurley runs through the woods.)  
Random guy: Hey, you stay away from me, I saw what you did to those other poor innocent people!  
Hurley:Please you need to help me! they might be hurt!  
(Guy runs away. Hurley keeps running.)  
Hurley: Jack ,thank God! You have to help me! There's something wrong with me! People keep falling down and fainting when I'm around them...its the numbers!  
Jack:Calm down, I have a cure, heal people!  
Hurley:You do? Wow! I didn't think you'd have anything!  
Jack: It's a little potion that's been passed down in my family for generations!  
Hurley:Thank goodness, what do they call it?  
Jack: Deoderant! (Sawyer runs in and hits Jack over the head with an inhaler)  
Hurley:...  
Sawyer: What? It's the last part? Can I not have a little fun? (Jack gets up again. Sawyer throws Koki at his head, killing him again. But wait...Koki broke!)  
Sawyer: M...my...MY BABY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Coconut falls on his head.)  
Sawyer: BABY! I shall name you, Koki Jr.!

(Back in the clearing, Kate is still playing with her toy plane.)  
Kate: We're a thousand miles off course! ROOOOAAARRR! What was that? The monster! AHHHHH MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH! The pilot's dead! Save me, Jack! Save me! (Michael enters.)  
Michael: (Stares at Kate.)...  
Kate: (Stares at Michael.)...  
Michael: They took my son. (Kate throws aeroplane into his eye.)  
Michael: AHH! The corners!

Elsewhere  
Boone: We haven't been in this fic, have we?  
Sun: You're right!  
Walt: Let's complain!  
Boone: I have a better idea...MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
Walt: What's your idea?  
Boone: What idea?  
Sun: You said you had a better idea.  
Boone:...  
Sun:...  
Walt:..  
Boone: Ah, yes! To the time machine! We'll go back in time and then we'll be in the fic!  
Walt: That's dumb.  
Sun: Yes. (Jin walks by.)  
Jin: KIDNEYS!  
Sun: Sighs Alright, let's go get you some kidneys...  
Walt: I should head back to my dad. (Boone is alone.)  
Boone: I'm so useless...I have no-one.  
Shannon:cough  
Boone: Oh yeah...

In another place...  
Sayid: Ahhh! See the wonder of my time machine!  
Rousseau: Please! I must return to my monkey duties!  
Locke: Here. (Holds out a kidney.)  
Rousseau: Even I wouldn't eat that. (Sawyer comes and hits them all with the inhaler, killing them.)  
Sawyer: This is too fun!

Later at the beach...

Charlie: Claire, I've got your baby out.  
Claire:Thank goodness! thanks Charlie!  
(Charlie hands Claire the baby.)  
Claire:Wow he's ok! Thank you so much.  
Charlie: Hmmm...(Stares at baby.)  
Claire:What? What are you staring at?  
Charlie:You know, I don't know what I was thinking putting your baby in a coconut.  
Claire:It's ok, he's safe now...  
Charlie:He would look so much better as a tomato.

I know what you're thinking. THAT WAS TOO SHORT! LESS FUNNY! Have no fear! This may be the end of this fic, but if people want me to, I already have an idea for a sequel to this! Please review, and say if you think I should carry on with this or leave it to rest!


End file.
